India Uncut

Jai Arjun Singh writes in with some examples of purplocity. First up, Indiatimes says of Bipasha Basu:

The thunder of her thighs and grandeur of her openness is just matchless.

And then, about Aishwarya Rai:

And though she takes off little, she makes you visualize the beauty she keeps graciously hidden.

Stunning.

Meanwhile, in a reaction to my previous post on purplocity/verniness, my good friend Prem Panicker writes in:

Prof walks into creative writing classroom, passes out copies of an unsigned essay, invites criticism.

The students spend the next 45 minutes ripping the piece apart, with merited savagery -- it really is bad.

Prof says, "I'd like you guys to know I wrote that piece".

Sudden silence in classroom. Prof: "I stayed up all night, drinking coffee by the quart, writing this -- and I took care to see that not one facet of bad writing was omitted. What beats me is how you buggers toss these things off in half an hour a day!"

Now you know where his students went.

This kind of writing is beyond bad, actually. It doesn't contain the typical elements of bad writing: the cliches, the archaicisms, the redundancies etc. Instead, like a Ramsay Brothers film, it has a badness that almost has an artfulness about it, that is enjoyable because it is simply so over the top. "[T]he beauty she keeps graciously hidden." "The grandeur of her openness." Could you or I come up with those if we tried? I don't think so!

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24.)

HT tabloid, I have come to realise, is a filter: it filters out all non-verniness and non-purplocity from our stars, and serves up their true cheesy selves. Here's John Abraham speaking of his relationship with Bipasha Basu:

See, the point is that the initial excitement of our love relation is not the same now. Rather we have grown very mature. So, Bipasha and I are not together everywhere, whether it's a film function or fashion show. In these circumstances, rumours of our break-up and my affair with other stars are bound to happen. During world tour I was associated with Mallika Shehrawat and similarly while shooting for Salaam-e-Ishq, my co-actress Vidya Balan became dear to me. I am not so romantic at heart that I keep changing lovers in such short intervals!

A little later in the interview, Johny says:

All my actresses have been very good and I observe different qualities in each of them. As far as attractive body is concerned, I think Udita has a got a fantastic body and she is extremely beautiful too.

I'm a huge fan of observing different qualities. No, but really, I'm sure all these buggers don't speak like that, and some phenomenally talented sub editor is translating Hindi copy or something. Libidinous lava lingers.

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26.)

Indiatimes never fails to amaze me. Consider the following introduction to a slideshow:

Sunday mornings. Or should I say Sunday afternoons? Aaaah! That feeling of waking up at your own time, Room chilled like Rockefeller Center during New York winters, snuggling on satin and dreaming of uh … Penelope Cruz running in slow-mo on white Waikiki beaches, eating corn-on-the-cob (actually that’s what this dream sounds like - corn!) with me and soft Tchaikovsky playing … beautiful - then suddenly …

Bugger me softly, what to say now? This takes Purplocity and Verniness to hitherto unachieved heights, and I shudder to think where these gents will take us next. Perhaps I should just crawl into a corner, get into a foetal position and loudly sing La Traviata or something. How to match this level of surreal?

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25.)

When Indiatimes informs us that "seashore romance have always made for a hot and sizzling time," you know that immense purplocity and verniness lie ahead. And goofiness too, if one goes by the first picture on display. Indeed, great joy soon begins to come.

First we are informed:

In Priyadarshan’s ‘Garam Masala’, John Abraham romances with the female lead, and the blueness in the backdrop shows how close they are to the blue water. The seaside breeze would have fuelled up the fire within for sure.

Then we are told about a scene featuring Kiran Janjani and Upasana Singh:

The wave comes and goes as they continue in their intense company.

And then we have the inexplicable (and therefore surely profound) passage:

Saif and Preity Zinta walking down the sandy seashore in lazy steps. The blue sea calling before, the white sand making their way smoother.

And they are showing their back to the lens suggesting the end if the song. [Sic]

Then, of a scene featuring Dino Morea and Onjolee Nair, we are told:

The blue water seems to be at its boiling point with all those beautiful people.

And finally, a scene featuring "the Gurpreet and Kanishka" is described thus:

In the backdrop, sea water is breaking up into white droplets as it hits the beach.

I am beginning to believe that there is an art to this, and that this is not simply bad writing. Think about it: could you write like this if you tried to?

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23.)

Verniness abounds! Consider two fine excerpts. First, here:

You would have missed ‘cleavage Dutta’ in Bhagam Bhag but for her chartbuster Signal. Her short dress teamed with ostrich feathers took the attention of a spunky Akshay Kumar and comeback Govinda.

That's a remarkable paragraph, and I have absolutely no idea what it means. Stunning stuff.

And then consider Celina Jaitley's response to a question here:

Bikini doesn’t sell today. There was a time when I sported it and started a trend. Many other actresses followed the trend later on. But today I don’t think bikini has remained as hot as it used to be then.

What to say now? Maybe Ms Jaitley should just start a monokini trend.

(Previous posts on bikinis: 1, 2.

Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31.)

Update: She's everywhere. More Celina in Sonia's new post.

My suspicions about HT Tabloid's verniness-producing software are strenghtened by this remarkable quote they attribute to Soha Ali Khan in a piece titled "'Moroccan prince has not proposed me'":

It's just a mere coincidence that both of us [Soha and Abhay Deol] work out in the same gym. I am surprised why people think that we have chosen gym to carry on our affair. It's totally mischief of some empty-headed people who have nothing to do but talk about such baseless things.

Yes, yes, some of our celebs aren't particularly smart, but there's no way Soha could have used those words. "Totally mischief" indeed!

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16.)

The ever-reliable HT Tabloid quotes Jiah Khan as saying:

Too many chocolates give you fats on your body. Apart from sexual enhancer, this is another reason why I avoid eating chocolates.

I'm convinced HT Tabloid has some kind of a verniness-producing software they put all their articles through: everybody they quote in any piece sounds equally ridiculous. Fats on your body, it seems.

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15. More about Jiah: 1, 2.)

HT Tabloid is at it again. See this:

Often cigarette smoking causes headaches leaving a person in dilemma. Such youths could pretend to be modern by raising their collars and making rings out of cigarette smoke when seeing pretty eves. But in bed, they prove to be miserable and fail to rise to the occasion.

Porn watching also fails to stimulate such regular smokers.

Pretty eves? This is not even Purplocity, but Verniness. Anyway, here are some recent examples of Ludicrous Purplocity linked from here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

(Link via email from that great Bong, Greatbong.)

Indiatimes begins a slideshow with this remarkable intro:

Actresses make pretty pictures. And these days, even more so, as the dress has come back in vogue! Dare bare acts are passé. Our ladies, these days, prefer to ‘dress’ up. ‘Smart’ has been replaced by the ‘dainty’, and the tom-boyish image and well-toned frame that was famous once, during the Dhoom 1 phase, has been swapped with the more fragile figurine. And even a well-toned Bipasha Basu in Dhoom 2 , has made sure to add a frill or two...

Sigh. No doubt the guy who wrote this excerpt thought, possibly in Marathi or Hindi, that this was exceptionally well-written. I just want to know what his editor was thinking.

Or maybe there's no editor?

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32.)

Indiatimes reports:

The Republic Day that just went by has had a greater impact on Akshay Kumar than any previous ‘flag’ day ever has. Reason? He feels he’s grown closer to his Indian roots than ever before. And the feelings of idealism and ‘Indianness’ are surging within him like a new source of adrenalin.

I can imagine Akshay going to the gym and bench-pressing a flag. Or doing the bicep curl with a mango (our national fruit), loving his country more with every flex. Joy.

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.)

No build-up to a childhood anecdote can be so cheesy:

Could you imagine our sultry beauty Koena Mitra shouting on the top of her voice to tell that she was a girl and nobody believing her?

And not only this, she was even dragged to men's loo, with her pleads to go to girls' loo unheard.

Just imagine. Long will I now fantasize about being dragged to "girl's loo."

"Why have you dragged me here?" I will ask, immensely worried. "What do you want?"

"We have been reading your blog for months now," the sexiest of the 50 girls who dragged me there will say. "And now we want an answer to the question that has been robbing our nights of sleep, our minds of calm, our lives of peace."

"Wh-wh-what question."

And then all the girls will scream at one go:

"Just what is it with the cows?"

I'm not telling!

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30.

Previous posts on cows: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31 , 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76.)

It's been days since I last read HT Tabloid. Foolish me. Here's a gem of an opening para from their story on Aishwarya and Abhishek:

He is the waris of cine-legacy of his father and she is the one who captured the world not only once but over and over again with her sheer beauty and elegance. Together they make the most sizzling couple of, perhaps, the century.

Sizzling is right. Suddenly I'm a huge fan of barbeques.

And from another story:

The hottest rumour doing rounds is, Rani Mukherjee is having a clandestine love affair with star director Sanjay Leela Bhansali.

[...] Rani makes no bones in admitting her close relationship with Sanjay as she says, “I share a wonderful friendly relation with him. His mother cooks my favourite food, whenever I visit him. Even I love to prepare his favourite Rice-Chhola, Malai Kofta etc. He often drops in at my house and enjoys my hospitality. We share a very warm bond.”

Delightful potato. Why do all film stars quoted by HT Tabloid sound just the same? I suspect it might be because they're interviewed in Hindi and then translated by the one-man army who seems to run this fine source of entertainment. They can't actually speak like this, surely.

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29. And the meme's catching!)

I have a feeling that the chaps at HT Tabloid think they have a couplet here:

What’s with our Dia Mirza and Kunal Kapoor?

They entered the show separately and exited ditto too.

That's the start of this piece, and I encourage you to read the full thing and tell me what on earth it's about. Or on Mars. Wherever.

"Exited ditto too." Joy!

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28.)

We are joyously informed:

There is big news in the film industry. The industry has witnessed a wedding and that too of its kissing king. Yes, he is Emran Hashmi. He has tied nuptial knot with his long time girlfriend Parvin Sahani, in Mumbai on December 114th.

I'm sure Emraan woke up on December 115th with his skin all glowing. Tremulous nuptial happiness spreads.

(Link via email from Sanjeev Naik.)

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27.)

Jyoti Randhawa is quoted as saying in the Times of India:

I like being stylish. I am very fond of accessories like watches and shoes. I like wearing branded stuff. I mostly buy English shoes and love wearing sports watches that suit my personality.

As golf is a stylish game, I have tried to imbibe some glamour. It is very important for the modern-age sportsman to be glamorous.

Randhawa ends by saying, "I wouldn't mind walking the ramp if given an offer." Now, I have no idea if he was misquoted a bit -- surely he couldn't have said something as goofy as "I have tried to imbibe some glamour" -- but worrying memories of Himalaya Dassani come to mind here. Someone needs to sit him down and tell him about core competencies and competitive advantage. Golf, dude, golf -- get that foundation off and go practice yer swing.

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22.)

Indiatimes reports on Kareena Kapoor:

[W]hen in the company of her lover, the glow on her face and poise in her persona are a sight to behold. When it comes to love though, Kareena becomes surprisingly consenting. One look at Shahid and Kareena together and you cannot help notice the marked difference in her elements.

Admirable, for clearly a lot of research went into this piece. I can imagine the reporter following Kareena around everywhere, noting the glow and the poise down as soon as they become apparent, and then enjoying immensely the moment of surprising consent. Ew.

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21.)

HT Tabloid can liven up the dullest evenings, it can. Their recent interview with Sushmita Sen begins with a classic line I urge you to read for yourself, but I simply cannot help quoting this remarkable question they put to her:

Don't you feel difficult to get into a relationship with a virgin boy because of your image of a woman who has always enticed married men?

Who thinks of these questions, really? This is remarkable, and reminds me of a friend I once had in college who thought in much the manner of this questioner. He was ultra-prudish, and judgemental of anyone who even looked at chicas, leave alone thought of them in a sexual way. (His dad was Maharashtrian and his mom was German, so me and my friends used to call him KGB, or Konkanastha German Brahmin.) One day he was behaving ultra-prudishly about sex -- I think he berated someone who told us a dirty joke -- and one of the chappies present there, nicknamed Psycho, lost his cool.

"Listen, XXX," Psycho told him, "I would like you to know why you exist on this planet. It is because your dadda humped your momma. Is that clear? Your dadda's [word-for-organ] went into your momma's [you-know-what] and they did humpity humpity humpity, and you know something dude, they weren't thinking of what a sweet little kid they were producing with all that work. Diggita? Comprendre? Huh? Huh?"

"Nooooo," KGB shrieked. "Don'th shay thhath. Don'th shay ith, nuth-thing like thath happ-ppenedh, nuth-thing!"

"So was it the milkman then," Psycho snarled. "Huh?"

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.)

"President's website sets a new record," screamed the Sify headline. On reading that, I instantly rushed over to the president's website, which reportedly got 2.4 million hits on September 12, somewhat more than my own supposedly well-read blog. What could it be, I wondered, that drives readers to Mr Kalam's blog while I'm putting up such lovely posts about cows?

After strenuous investigations lasting more than a minute, I have concluded it's the poems. Consider the gem titled "Our mission is water," which Mr Kalam ends with the immortal lines:

Oh humanity why not your hearts confluence
And you blossom with happiness.

I kid you not. And then there's the poem titled "Soaring Dream," which begins:

Fabulous air show of Paris in motion
My thought too in flight and yearns for my Nation
When will the planes designed in my land
Pierce the sky as lightening in action

This one ends with the line, "Sky can?t be limit for my nation in action !!" And consider "I am the Indian Ocean," which begins thus:

Surge of my waves and their mystical themes
Embracing Bombay and Dar-es in hold
We all belong to the cradle of earth
Same human civilization pervades us all
Generations of life in these lands were like waves
Rising and falling and melting in time baobabs and
Banyans stood witness to these cycles

No, no, it's not all an elaborate joke, this really is APJ Abdul Kalam's poetry, and I think it should be abundantly clear what the driving force of traffic to his site is: disbelief. I myself will go there eight times a day now, read his poems, and think, "This is our president?"

Previous posts on APJ Abdul Kalam: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19.)

Mallika Sherawat, HT Tabloid informs us, is not "hot and sexy" by accident. She is quoted as saying:

If I want to change my image, I can do it overnight. But I have deliberately become so hot and sexy because I know it's something that will always be in demand.

Well, that clears it up then. The rumours about a radioactive hot and sexy spider biting Mallika, after which she became hot and sexy, are clearly untrue. Her hotandsexyness is no accident -- it's strategy. Could Carl von Clausewitz ever have thought of this?

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18.)

Joy will never cease. You'd imagine that Superman, Batman and Spiderman would make a pretty formidable team, but Shakoora the Magician has them all trussed up and helpless. So who is the last hope of Planet Earth then? Nagraj is!

Saket very kindly emails me a link to this fine comic book, which he discovered via Vijay. It is full of the most glorious verninesses. (I mean that in a positive sense.) In it, you will find Superman, on being punched away, exclaim "Uff! He flew me like a housefly."

It is here that you will read the immortal piece of commentary, "And Nagraj, who can kill tens of elephants with his teeth, failed to harm him."

And it is here, and only here, that Superman, Batman and Spiderman together partake of "a grand dinner in Le Meridian."

Imagine Dev Anand and Mithun Chakravarty in a film version of this. Fun would have come multiple times.

(Previous posts with Purplocity/Verniness: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17.)

Update (September 15): Vijay writes in to say he got the link via Hemant. Long may Hemant live.