India Uncut

This blog has moved to its own domain. Please visit for the all-new India Uncut and bookmark it. The new site has much more content and some new sections, and you can read about them here and here. You can subscribe to full RSS feeds of all the sections from here. This blogspot site will no longer be updated, except in case of emergencies, if the main site suffers a prolonged outage. Thanks - Amit.

Monday, August 08, 2005

3 am

The Times of India reports on an institute that has been set up to train people -- only women, in fact -- to be good wives. It reports:
Classes are held between seven and ten every morning, chiefly during the marriage months. A batch has an average of twenty girls who diligently note down lessons that include how to brush the teeth in the in-law's house, how to cook and how to eat. The girls also learn that they have to control their sex drive because in a joint family situation where there is not enough space, the girls should know that they cannot have their men all the time. The course even educates them on how to sleep in the in-laws house. "You just can't wear any clothes in your in-law's house. And you can't lie in any way you want," Hemnani says. "Your husband's home is not your father's house. Good manners are a must."
Yes, I like the bit about not wearing any clothes in the "in-law's house." The institute also has time-tables for the day, specifying "midnight to three in the morning" as the best time to have sex, and "three to six in the morning" as the "time to sing bhajans". I can imagine this scene:
[Husband and wife lying on a mat besides a massive four-foot clock, where the time is 2.59 am.]

Husband: Uh, uh, uh, uh!

Wife: Ooh! Aah! Aaa-oooh! Mmm! Eeeeh! Ohhhh!

Husband: Uh, uh, uh, uh!

Wife: Oooooh! Ah! Mmmmmm! Faaaa-haaaster! Oh! Aaaaaah!

Husband: Uh, uh, uh, uh!

Wife: Oooooooooooh!

[Suddenly, the alarm clock rings, loudly enough to wake up Mumbai. The wife's delicate sweaty hand crawls up and smashed the button on top of it. It stops.]

Wife: We must stop now, it's 3 am, time to sing bhajans, according to my institute.

Husband: Uh? But you can also fu... I mean, please your husband until 3 am, is it not? I'm sure 3 am is inclusive.

Wife: But I also have to sing bhajans.

Husband: I'm sure you can manage both.

Wife: Um, ok, let's try.

Husband: Ok. Uh, uh, uh, uh!

Wife: [Sings] Vaishnav jana to, oooh!

Husband: Uh, uh, uh, uh!

Wife: Tene, aaah, kahiye je...

Husband: Uh, ah, oh!
Well, it's the institute that left that loophole, not me.

(Link via Uma.)
amit varma, 1:45 PM| write to me | permalink | homepage

I recommend: