India Uncut

The third Test at Mumbai gets over and India has posted a fourth-innings score of a hundred runs leading to a massive England victory. Duncan Fletcher decides to have a one-on-one with his team after the match to ensure that the winning habit is retained. The tack he chooses to take: “Let us learn from the losing side and ensure we do not make the same mistakes they did.”

The first person he calls is Ponty. “So Ponty,” he starts, “can you tell me what is the one lesson you have learnt from the Indians in this match?”

Ponty ponders for some time, scratching his patka, his beard, his ear and finally answers: “Teamwork, sir.”

Fletcher is a little confused, that was not one of the answers he thought was relevant to the situation. “Why do you say so?” he asks.

Ponty’s reply: “Well sir, all our players keep trying to score centuries on their own. The whole Indian team has got together and hit one century.”

* * *

Shaun Udal is overwhelmed by getting Sachin Tendulkar’s wicket in the last Test, and decides to go on an all-night drinking binge, after which he tries catching a Mumbai cab back to the hotel at 2am and is promptly run over and killed. Ponty decides that it is his duty to give an obituary and promptly lands up at the Times of India office the next day.

“How much for an obituary?” he asks the person at the reception.

“Fifty rupees per word sir,” is the reply.

“That’s not much." Ponty thinks. He writes on a piece of paper and passes it over to the receptionist. “Ok, please print this in tomorrow's edition." On the paper are two words - “Udal dead.”

The receptionist is taken aback. “I’m sorry, sir,” he says, “this won’t do – we have a five-word minimum limit, I mean, the message has to be at least five words long.”

So Ponty thinks for a while, edits the message and passes it back. It now reads “Udal dead. Kit for sale.”

* * *

Fletcher believes that to do well in India, one must not just understand the cricketing aspect, but also the social, economic and political situation there. One day he decides to take a class for the team. “Do you know” he says, “that every time I take a breath, a girl child dies here?”

Ponty is quite perplexed at this. He turns to Liam Plunkett and asks: “Why can’t he just use mouthwash?”

* * *

Though Ponty has lived all his life in the UK, on his visit to Mohali he is overwhelmed by patriotic fervor and decides to buy an Indian flag. He goes to a shop adjoining the team hotel and asks for a flag.

The shopkeeper shows him a range of flags of different sizes.

Ponty thinks for a while, shakes his head and says, “Can I see some colour options please?”