India Uncut

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Thursday, August 10, 2006

India Uncut Ambition 3

I want to be a female-earlobe piercer.

You will note here how I write the last three words of the preceding sentence: not “female earlobe piercer”, which would wrongly indicate that I want a sex change, but “female-earlobe piercer”, which indicates that I want to pierce female earlobes, presumably while remaining male. Hyphens are important.

Also, let us not get into whether earlobes can be female, or merely the people they belong to. You know what I mean. Furthermore, I hate pedants.

I will become the most famous female-earlobe piercer in India, and women from all over the world will come to me to get their female earlobes pierced. They will come and sit on my newly upholstered stool, remove any piece of clothing that may happen to cover the ear, and announce: “Pierce me!”

Then my eyes will glint, and I will pull out The Longest Needle In The World™. They will look at it, and some of them will faint. The others will squeal, “Oh my goodness, that is so big. It is the biggest I have ever seen.” Their earlobes will quiver in anticipation.

And I will hold their chin, turn their head, and do the deed. Sometimes, if the lady in question is a supermodel – many such will visit me with female ears – I will drive it in one ear and out the other. “Oops,” I will then say. “Missed.”

“Tee hee,” they will reply.

Then one day it will end. A gentleman will walk into my parlour. “I want to pierce my ears,” he will say, in a gruff voice.

“That rhymes, monsieur,” I will say, “in a terrible way, but surely you are aware that I pierce only female ears. Who the hell are you, if I may be so impolite as to put it that way?”

“You are not only polite but precise,” the man will say. “I am the devil, and I have come to do a deal with you. If you pierce my ears, I will give you all that you want for four score years and ten, after which you shall burn in hell forever. I have the agreement copy in triplicate here with me.”

“And if I refuse your offer, and ask you to pierce off? Then what, monsieur?”

“Then you shall burn in hell from now itself.”

Silence will prevail until I break it, though it is somewhat redundant to put it that way. “I agree,” I will say. “Come, sit here.”

He will come and sit on my stool. I will take out out The Longest Needle In The World™. Then Iwill hold his chin and move it to one side.

“Be gentle,” he will remark, as he chuckles.

“I will,” I'll say. “I will treat you like a supermodel.”

Then I will plunge it in with all my force.

Previous India Uncut Ambitions: Hooch Inspector, Pothole Inspector.
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