India Uncut

Village council candidates in India should be allowed to stand for election only if they have a toilet at home, the rural development minister says.

In a letter to all chief ministers, Raghuvansh Prasad Singh said the toilet rule should be set out in law.

He said too many elected members "do not have toilet facilities in their own houses and defecate in the open".

[Sound of vigorous knocking in Lota Singh Kabootar's house. Lota Singh Kabootar opens the door. Raghuvansh Prasad Singh is standing outside.]

Lota: Yes. What do you want?

Raghuvansh: I have seen your name on the electoral rolls. I am the mural demolishment, I mean, rural development minister. I want to inspect if you have a toilet at home.

Lota: Of course I have a toilet at home, minister saab. Come and have a look.

[The two walk inside to a small extension of the house, where Lota Singh Kabootar opens the door, and switches on a light. I there is a sparkling white commode. Raghuvansh Prasad Singh walks up to it and inspects it..]

Raghuvansh: Hmmm. This is indeed a spiny commune, I mean, a shiny commode. It looks brand new to me. [He takes out a vial and squeezes out some drops into the commode.]

Lota: What are you doing, minister saab?

Raghuvansh: [Peering inside.] Just as I thought. Your commode has failed the litmus test. It has never, ever been used. No Xmas tree, I mean, no excrement has ever ventured inside. You don't use this commode.

Lota: [Worried now] No, no, minister saab, we use it all the time. We even did a puja with it. Om namah shivaya. Ho ho. Ha ha.

[Raghuvansh Prasad Singh sniffs in the air, and walks purposefully out of the toilet, through the kitchen, and out the back door. Lota Singh Kabootar follows him. Raghuvansh Prasad Singh goes and peers behind a tree. He does not like what he sees.]

Raghuvansh: Ah, so there is where you screw your dumpling, I mean, do your dumping!

Lota: Sir, minister saab, the regulation only said that we had to have a toilet in the house. It did not mention anywhere that I had to use it.

Raghuvansh: Hmm. Well, I feel like winking at your daughter, I mean, drinking your water. Go and get some water for me.

Lota: Yes, minister saab. Instantly.

[Lota Singh Kabootar goes off to get some water. Raghuvansh Prasad Singh looks all around, and on finding that the coal is near, I mean, the coast is clear, lifts up his dhoti. And ...]